Inspiration and Distraction

Please excuse the stream-of-consciousness style here… I’m not sure I can organize this better without losing the feeling altogether.  The past week has had me on some amazing encounters (both in person, and via phone/email/blogs).  I’ve been feeling both inspired and depressed.  I’m starting some new ventures with my research, while trying to still tie up some organizational loose ends and start a job search to cure my rapidly-dwindling bank account.  I’m also feeling very full– content and peaceful.  I’m thinking more about some of the “bigger” things.  Some of the far-off things.  I’m facing big plans and bad dreams and I’m connecting in ever-deeper ways in my faith, in ways I haven’t done so in quite a while.  I’m enjoying a sense of romance and adventure, even if sometimes it’s coming via my living vicariously through a friend or two.  I feel like good things are going to happen.  I’m feeling sad about my music.  I had a dream last night that was partly about that.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve really sang, and even longer since I’ve felt fulfilled in my music.  Dance and visual art have temporarily taken its place.  The music never goes away, but sometimes it’s hard to be around I suppose.  Like being friends with an ex-boy(or girl)friend.  It’s beautiful; and a little painful.  I’ve been thinking about poetry again, although I’ve yet to have the time to sit down and write.  There’s something deep happening in me lately, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to express it any other way.  I’m at a place of contradictions; feeling both in control and powerless.  Both hopeful and lost.  Both seeking and unwilling to ask.  I don’t often write about my feelings here, but it is these feelings that I create from.  And also these feelings that hold me back from creating… I know this story will end happily.  But there’s something very real about this right now that I’m not sure I’ve felt before.

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